While preventative parenting is effective, it also has its limits. There will always come a time when parents need to deal with problem behaviors in the moment. I call this responsive parenting.

Here are six responsive parenting tools:

Be Mindful and Keep Calm

When problem behaviors begin, calm and mindful parents can properly guide their children to de-escalate. Reactive (or overreactive) responses to problem behaviors often only escalate or exacerbate them. So next time, don’t react (or overreact) when your child has a tantrum, back talks, or becomes stubborn. Instead, as the adult in the situation, stay calm. You can handle things better if you can respond rationally.

Distraction and Redirection

One of the oldest responsive parenting tricks in the book, distraction often works best with young children. Make sure to distract or redirect children towards (1) something interesting or (2) make something seem interesting with your own enthusiasm and absorption.

Another way to redirect is to ask your children for help. You can also give them a job to do to keep them busy. These can pivot the interaction towards cooperation rather than contention. Some examples of this include:

• “I need your help to find the flour in this aisle,” while at the grocery store; or
• “I think I can beat you in a race to the car,” when leaving the park.

Both are simple and effective ways to redirect children towards cooperation.

ERR: Empathize, State the Rule, and Redirect (Choices)

Sometimes a three-step technique I call the “ERR” is the best way to get children to cooperate. It is simple and easy to apply. First begin with empathy and validating your child’s feelings. For example you might say, “I know you really want to keep playing in the park.” Then follow up with the rule—“And it’s time to go.” And finally, redirect your child to a couple of choices: “Would you like to help me pack up our things in the stroller to go home? Or do you want to carry one of our bags to the car?”

The ERR technique applies to many situations and is a true cornerstone of responsive parenting. It is especially effective because it both validates children’s feelings and respects parents’ need for cooperation.

Responsive Parenting Questions

Asking questions such as, “What’s your plan for cleaning up your toys?” or “Do you have a plan for getting your homework done?” invite cooperation. The questions put the responsibility on the child instead of the adult. They can also prompt to get things going in the right direction without resorting to nagging, frustration, or other punitive methods.

Other questions can also be used to frame a choice for the child.  Some examples include:

• “Would you like to clean up your toys now or after you take a bath?”
• “Where would you like to do your homework, in the dining table or in your room?”

Choice questions jumpstart a task using inquiry way instead of demands.  They allow children to feel respected and given a measure of freedom and choice.

Premack Principle: First/Then

A fourth way to respond to problem behaviors in the moment is to use the Premack Principle. It is another simple method that can be applied in many different situations. It also promotes parent-child cooperation rather than contention and power struggles.

Instead of telling your child, “If you do X, then you will get X,” simply change the wording to, “First, then.” While it seems small, changing one single word in the sentence makes all the difference. This principle does all the following:

First, saying “First do X, then X,” guarantees them a positive outcome as soon as the first activity is done. There is no cajoling, no baiting and hence, no drama or need for rebellion. It seeks cooperation instead because the positive outcome is guaranteed.

Second, using the word “first” indicates immediacy and time sensitivity. So, you are more likely get cooperation sooner rather than later.

Finally, First/Then also eliminates long negotiations. When a child tries to negotiate, parents can simply (1) calmly restate the First/Then verbally or (2) quietly gesture/point toward the task that must be completed—and then follow through. It is a simple but effective and actionable tool that encourages cooperation. Try it!

Responsive Parenting Humor

Parents who respond to problem behaviors with humor and good cheer can more easily de-escalate them.

For example, instead of being annoyed or irritated that a chore has not been done, remind children about them with a big smile. Children are more likely to complete the task if you remind them with a smile instead of an irritated frown. For example, you can say, “I see toys that need to be put away,” with a smile and they are more likely to cooperate.

You can also use humor in other ways. For example, if your child’s chore is to throw the trash away, you can exaggeratedly say, “I think the trash can’s calling for you, I can hear it say… ‘empty meeeeeeee.’”

Another way to use humor to invite cooperation is to turn tasks into a game. Humor and games invite cooperation and make it fun to boot.

Conclusion

These are just six examples of responsive parenting practices that are easy to implement and address a variety of challenges. Responsive parenting’s key is to respectfully guide children towards the more fruitful common goal of cooperation.

Well-prepared for life indeed!

Take good, kind care of yourself and your family,