As a teacher and behavior therapist, I rely on many behavior management tools to help me with my students and clients. Here are six techniques that I use with consistent results:

Behavioral Management Tools: Special Time

I know special time as a technique probably seems odd. However, prevention is always one of the best behavior management tools. So how do you prevent misbehavior? By spending quality time with your children. Your time is the single most important thing to invest in your children. And what’s more, it’s free!

Children need quality time and attention from their parents. It is a core foundation of the parent-child bond. Regular contact with children communicates love, security and support. Special time keeps your relationship strong and quietly lets them know that they don’t need to misbehave to get your attention.

Often, I see children receive a lot of attention from their parents following undesirable events (they get sick or in trouble at school, etc.).  This creates a desire that sometimes inadvertently leads children to actively seek out trouble to get attention. Parents unconscious of this may unknowingly lead their children into a negative cycle of attention-seeking behaviors.

How Much Time?

The amount of quality time necessary to maintain a strong parent-child relationship is less than one might expect. Busy, working parents can aim for 10-15 minutes a day of quality one-on-one time with each child. Parents should try to make sure to spend that time doing an activity that their child enjoys. Activities that are not enjoyable to the child will feel like a chore and can inhibit a healthy relationship.  Examples of quality one-on-one time include games, books, puzzles, baking, or art activities.

Special Time is Special

Use this time to give your child undivided attention. Put away your phone when you spend time with your child. Use it to learn about him. Be enthusiastic and let your child know you are enjoying his company. In doing so, you will lay the foundation for a strong parent-child relationship.

Behavioral Management Tools: “First/Then”

The Premack Principle (or grandma’s rule) is another one of my favorite behavior management tools. We all use it without knowing it to be a behavioral analytic principle. It is when you pair together a non-preferred action with a preferred action in a contingency—first do the non-preferred and then the preferred.

It is typically used this way:

• “If you eat your vegetables, then you can have dessert.”
• Or, “If you clean up your toys, then you can watch a TV show.”
• And, “If you stop crying, then you can play with the toy.”

The idea is to pair them together so that the non-preferred activity before the preferred activity. However, with children, I recommend deviating from the typical usage of the word “if” when using this principle. Instead, say “first” in place of “if.”

Let’s see how we can change things with the word “first”:

• “First eat your vegetables, then it will be time for dessert.”
• Or, “First clean up your toys, then you can watch your TV show.”
• And, “First brush your teeth, then we can read the bedtime story.”

Using “first” lets them know two things: (1) it must be done soon; and (2) they are guaranteed to get their preferred activity or item as soon the first is completed. There is no need to “bait” children by with: “You want TV? Then go clean up your toys.” You only need to say, “First clean up, then you can watch TV.” Any power struggles are de-escalated when you eliminate the “If” and replace it with “First.”

Give it a try! After a while, you will notice that your children will begin repeating whatever contingency has been created for them, “First I need to do X and then X.”

Remember: Do not bait your children. Baiting unnecessarily creates a power struggle. Only repeat the contingency in a neutral voice: First X, then Y.” And follow through.

Behavioral Management Tools: “No,” to “Yes” or “Maybe”

• Mom, can we go to the park?
• Daddy, can I have ice cream?
• Dad, can I have a playdate?

Children always have requests.  While parents want to accommodate every request, it’s not always possible. However, saying “no” over and over to your children can associate you with not getting what they want.  This can lead to problem behaviors (sneaking behind your back, rebellion, etc.). Given this, you do not want your children associating you with the idea that their requests will always get rejected. So instead of saying, “no,” find a way to say yes or a version of yes that is a workable compromise.

Let’s take a look at possible ways to answer the examples above:

• Mom, can we go to the park?
  • “There isn’t any time today, but tomorrow we can make time to go to the park.”
• Daddy, can I have ice cream?
  • “Not today but how about we have ice cream for dessert this weekend?”
• Dad, can you play with me?
  • “Let me just finish something and later we can play together.”

A word of caution: If you use this behavior management tool, you must follow through and do what you promised. Your history of fulfilling your promises creates trust in your relationship. Your word must be your bond, otherwise it will be worth nothing.

Behavioral Management Tools: Priming

Priming is one of the best behavior management tools in a behavior analyst’s toolkit. It’s simply setting clear expectations in advance. Priming prepares children for something that is about to come up (especially when difficulties are likely) to make sure they have had some exposure beforehand.

While commonly used in behavior therapy, priming has useful applications in a great many settings and situations—particularly new situations for kids. For my students and behavior therapy clients, I often begin lessons and sessions by talking about how they are expected to behave and what rules they need to follow. I try to keep the rules simple and easy to follow.

Let’s look at some examples of using priming to set expectations:

• Going to the Store:
  • “We are going to buy groceries and we can only spend $X. You can help me find what’s on our shopping list as we go down the aisles.”
• Going to the Park:
  • “We are going to the park. We can only stay for 30 minutes and then we have to go. I will let you know when you only have 10 minutes left so you can play in the areas you haven’t been able to play yet.”
• A playmate coming over:
  • “Your friend is coming over. When friends come over, we share our toys and our snacks. Let’s take out some toys and snacks now that you would like to share. If there are toys that you would like to only play with on your own, let’s go ahead and put them away.”

Have your children repeat what the expectation is back to you so you can confirm that they understand; this is called active listening. Repeating it back creates a verbal contract between the parent and child is.

Priming can be applied in almost every situation. You can prime your children before going to the doctor so they know what to expect; you can prime your children about going on an airplane to visit their grandparents; and you can use priming to prepare them for the birth of a sibling. Keep priming conversations simple so the main point is not lost.  Expectations and any “rules” should be minimal and realistic.

Behavioral Management Tools: Prompts

Sometimes children want to take initiative and the problem lies with lack of skills for new situations and needing training on new skills. When you are teaching your children a new skill, your children may need prompts to help them remember what to do next or to keep them going with the series of tasks. There are many types of prompts that parents can use:

• Physical prompt: Typically used with infants and toddlers to help them as they need more physical guidance.
• Modeling: This is typically used when a new task is first introduced to learners.  I usually tell my students something like,  “Today I will show you how to work on this activity.  Watch me.” And then I model the new activity.
• Gestural: pointing; nodding.
• Visual: Using a sign or picture as a reminder.
• Verbal: Reminder to do something.

Here is an example of using prompts for washing hands:

• Physical prompt: A hand-over-hand physical prompt with a young toddler to wash their hands.
• Modeling: With enough experience with hand-over hand prompts, washing hands can be faded into modeling.
• Gestural: If a child misses any steps in the hand-washing routine, gestural prompts can be added in. Without any words, parents can gesture towards the soap if this step was missed. This is helpful for kids who already have some skills but need more practice.
• Visual: Visual prompts can be useful as well and can take the place of the adult’s presence if the child is trained to follow the visual prompt right from the start. Pictures of the child doing the steps to washing hands can be taken and printed out to show each step.
• Verbal or Advanced Gestural: This is for children who have developed good hand-washing skills and may only need a short verbal or gestural reminder to wash their hands.

Fading Prompts

It’s important to gradually decrease the usage of prompts for a specific activity as your children develop the skill or behavior that they are learning. This is referred to as prompt fading.  Once prompts are faded, then you know your children can do a task independently.

Also remember that prompting can be applied with any new task or behavior. Often, most-to-least prompting is used for younger children and least-to-most prompting used for older children—for  example, you can model and tell the steps to loading the dishwasher instead of a full hand-over-hand prompt.

Think of prompting as a step-by-step recipe for a task. Break these tasks down for children to help them learn things one step at a time. They also have the added benefit of teaching independence–freeing you being responsible for everything your children must do and remember.

Behavioral Management Tools: Encouragement!

Finally, one of the most powerful behavior management tools is the use positive reinforcement to encourage your children. Let them know that you recognize they got dressed on their own that day—and that it was a big accomplishment for them. Tell them that you saw that they shared with a friend and that it was a kind deed to do that.

Make your encouragement specific to the children’s actions, and whenever possible tie it to related values. This will help your children understand that their actions, if done consistently, reflect specific values that are desirable in society.

Conclusion

The six behavior management tools in this article are simple and work wonderfully when properly implemented. They allow children to feel important and loved, establish respectful boundaries in the parent-child relationship, set reasonable expectations regarding behavior and increase independence, capability and self-confidence through training and encouragement

Take good, kind care of yourself and your family,