Humans are hard-wired with the need for self-determination. All children have a nascent sense of agency that seeks (and at times demands) to be heard and respected. In truth, isn’t this is the primary goal of parenting and education? To nurture and support self-respect, self-determination, independence, and critical thinking? Often, however, parent-child power struggles begin because it is challenging to balance a child’s desire for self-determination and parents’ the need for cooperation.

Parents also struggle because independence must always go together with responsibility, respect, cooperation, and compromise. Such values and skills must develop alongside independence otherwise instead of developing freedom, they will develop license—which is permission to do whatever they want without any consequences. And too much license inevitably leads to chaos.

CoercivE Power Creates Parent-child Power Struggles

There are two kinds of power: coercive power and authentic power. Coercive power is asserted using force instead of communication and cooperation. It uses punishment, intimidation, threats, and withdrawal of support/love. Coercive power is divisive. It breeds fear, insecurity, and mistrust. How can parents forge a loving and respectful relationship with their children when they are constantly asserting coercive power? They cannot.

Most parents were raised using coercive power. Hence, they often reactively and unconsciously apply it due to lived experiences and familiarity. Given a lived history with coercive power, ending parent-child power struggles requires an overhaul parents’ understanding of power so that their methods are more equitable, unitive, and cooperative.

Authentic Power Dismantles Parent-Child Power Struggles

The second type of power is authentic power. This type of power does not require zero-sum result in a power struggle. Rather, it seeks to find a solution to problems with the use of communication, understanding, and cooperation. The goal of authentic power is to find a way for everyone to come to a respectful agreement. Compared to coercive power, which is quick and short-term but can have long-term adverse results, authentic power takes time to develop and master, but it is more durable and lasting.

The practice of authentic power teaches children the ability to deconstruct their own wants and feelings. It also teaches them to determine what they really want—because sometimes a power struggle is not always about what is being fought over but something deeper. (Think back to your own acts of rebellion as youngster and teenagers; sometimes it was about being heard, but other times it was about self-respect or the fight for respect).

Below are several concrete ways to avoid or work through parent-child power struggles:

1. Share power with Small Decisions

When it comes to small decisions, give your children the power to decide for themselves. This will give them some say in things that directly impact them and let them know that you are trying to give them power and agency. It also builds goodwill and trust—so that when there is a decision that you must make for them, they are more likely to respect it.

Examples of small decisions are:

• Pick what color pajamas they want to buy from the store.
• Decide what fruit goes in their lunchbox from the fruit bowl.
• Choose on what snack to pick from your pre-approved snack basket.

2. Give Them Choices

We all want to have a say in our lives. When giving your children free reign over small decisions is not possible, consider giving just a couple of limited choices. This allows them to feel some measure or power and control over an issue that leads to a similar outcome. It may seem small, but it does let your children know that you respect then enough to give them the power to choose.

examples of this could be:

• Do they want to take a bath/shower before dinner or after dinner?
• Would they like to have an apple or a banana?
• Which would they prefer, Legos or puzzles?

Here parents present children with a limited number of possible choices.  This allows them to maintain authentic power while still giving their children some degree of control.

3. Let Your Child be the Boss in Some Situations

Ask yourself which instances you can give your children some power. Seek out their opinions. Offer them a chance to give you advice on small things and listen to them.  Give your children an opportunity to teach you about their interests or hobbies. These tools encourage bonding and give your children a sense of importance and empowerment. 

examples of Letting your child be the boss are:

• Ask for their opinion and take their advice. For example: when you are getting ready to go to work, ask them what color tie do they think you should wear? Which earrings do they think go well with your outfit? It lets them know that their opinion matters and is valued.
• Play games with them and when they are familiar enough with the rules, let them lead the game—they can assign turns, enforce the rules of the game and generally be the “game master.”
• Take an interest in one of their own interests and let them teach you something. If your child is interested in a video game or app, a TV show, or an extracurricular activity—ask them to teach you or tell you about it. They can also teach you the lyrics of a favorite song or the gist of a story they enjoyed reading. Let them be the “expert” in something.

4. Use a Big Smile and a Gesture

Instead of frowning and getting frustrated that they haven’t gotten started on their homework or they did not put their dishes in the sink or dishwasher, steer clear of any arguments and instead give them a big smile and point to the homework that needs to be done. No words need to be said. Or smile and point to the dish that needs to be taken to the sink or dishwasher. A gestural prompt with no words and a big smile is silent and leaves no room for a verbal argument. A big smile also immediately disarms the situation and reduces any hint of anger or frustration—which gives them no reason to engage in any aggression.

5. When PArent-Child Power Struggles Begin: Communicate, Compromise and De-Escalate

Even with preventative measures such as sharing power and control, power struggles will still happen when raising children. Their need for self-determination will inevitably assert itself. The key to managing parent-child power struggles is to communicate, compromise, and de-escalate.

First, it is important for both you and your child to hear each other—listen intently to what your child wants and repeat it back. Communicate your position and have her repeat it back to you to make sure you both understand. Second, listen to your child but stay committed to the non-negotiable aspects of your position. Let your child know that you are committed to helping them get what they want while also getting what you want. Finally, ask her to compromise with you to reconcile your positions.  When your child sees that your goal is to work together rather than simply trying to win the argument (which means that she will inevitably lose the argument), she will more likely to agree on a compromise or suggest a cooperative way forward.

Here’s an example:

Let’s say you tell your child to contribute with loading the dishwasher. Your child does not want to load the dishwasher. Instead of digging in, you can tell her, “Okay, I hear you. You don’t want to load the dishwasher, that’s okay that you don’t want to do that. However, in our family, everyone needs to pitch in. Can we think of another way you can pitch in instead of loading the dishwasher?” Other ways she can “pitch in” are activities such as clearing the table, sweeping the floor, or putting away the clean dishes once the dishwasher is done running. Pivoting away and de-escalating a budding power struggle over loading the dishwasher into other ways she can pitch in with the household jobs is cooperative and respectful. It leaves both you and your child satisfied.

Parent-Child Power Struggles can be De-Escalated

Parent-child power struggles are real. However, they need not always cause frustration, or stress if handled with an approach rooted in respecting and empowering a children’s desire for self-determination. Preventative tools such as giving small decisions, limited choices and letting them be the boss serves to democratize power in a household and increase cooperation. Non-verbal prompts as well as communicating, compromising, and de-escalating serve to round out the ways a power-struggle can either be avoided or worked through constructively.

Take good, kind care of yourself and your family,